January 18, 2013
Have I ever mentioned my insomnia issues before? Maybe?
I’ve had insomnia for basically my whole life, but in summer of 2010 it got so bad that I ended up in the hospital for a few days, from which I emerged with a long, long prescription for many a sedative. So for the last 28 months or so I’ve been a pill junkie, sort of. My main drug for sleeping is/was zopiclone, unavailable in the US but similar to Ambien.
I gradually reduced the dose with plans to quit it all together in 2013, which I did, by accident. I just sort of fell asleep and that was that. So I was sleeping on my own for the last two weeks, and boy did I ever feel better. More awake, more in control of my own body.
Until last night. I didn’t sleep a wink, and I don’t know why. Well, I suspect it was because I reduced the dose of another medication, but I can’t confirm this.
At first I was just annoyed, then angry, then very scared. I’m feeling quite fragile today. I don’t want to have to take zopiclone again, even just once. But what if I don’t sleep again? You can see how this sort of thinking keeps one awake, something I can’t afford to have happen.
Personal progress is fragile, friends. Those were a good two weeks, but here I am conflicted about sleep all over again. I have more confidence that I will be able to sleep without zopiclone tonight if I just keep it cool than I would have, say, six weeks ago even. But it’s nagging at me. I won’t know for twelve hours yet. What to do when your mind is on edge for twelve hours?